Mommy WOW, I’m a big kid now!

I immersed my self in religious texts on a quest to determine the Jewish view on abortion. This turned out to be a Herculean struggle and the five minutes I spent flipping through the Torah and examining the Commandments proved to be a futile effort. At last, I turned to grandma, whose phenomenal wisdom and infinite knowledge would not lead me astray. And so I came to discover that according to Judaic doctrine, a fetus can no longer be aborted when it graduates college.

Today, I am proud to announce that I am an actual, living, breathing. human being.

And yet, this “human being” feels nothing in regards to its “re-birth”

Minutes after my last final, my best friend called.

“Wow, congratulations! So are you ecstatic?!” She inquires with overstated enthusiasm
“Eh…not particularly”
“Hmm. Yeah, I getchya. You’ll miss college”
“En…not particularly”

My brother calls minutes later; “Wow, so you just had your last final?! How do you feel?”
“Eh. Okay.”
“Okay?!!!”
“Eh. Okay.”

My nearly monosyllabic speech drove both nuts, and I was pounded with emotional phrases to squeeze out some type of feeling.

But I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“But wow, what an accomplishment” friends repeat in tandem.
Is it? Is graduating college an accomplishment? Why are college kids, who have magnitudes more free time then any corporate bitch, considered to have “accomplished” something upon graduation? When in fact, graduation is the first step to corporate slave-dom?


Rachel said, “at least you didn’t quit! That’s an accomplishment”
I beg to differ. At college, I spend 95% of my time on me. If I “quit” I’d face several repercussions 1) ballistic parents 2) less free time. Thus “sticking out” is not an accomplishment, but the path of least resistance.

“But Ida, I work part time and go to school full time.”
Boo-hoo. So did I. But your part time job is bullshit. Had it not been, you wouldn’t be on AIM to congratulate me.


(And this is why I was not the commencement speaker)